Arizona Hunting Forums banner

1 - 20 of 482 Posts

·
Administrator
Joined
·
6,610 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I heard a couple jokes today, and so, I got to thinking...

I'll make this a Sticky Thread, and everyone can append their jokes to this one.

Remember, we have forum guidelines and we expect folks to live up to them. I think we all have our own definition of appropriate, and I personally don't mind jokes with a little edge, but please, keep it out of the gutter and watch the foul language.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
6,610 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
A woman takes her teenage daughter to the doctor when she comes down with a terrible cold.

The doctor puts his stethoscope on her chest and says, "Big breaths".

She smiles and says, "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen!"
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
6,610 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
A man takes his wife to the doctor because she is having chest pain.

The doctor examines his wife. The man, anxious to hear the doctor's diagnosis, asks the doctor what's wrong?

The doc says, "Your wife has acute angina".

The man responds, "Yeah... I know that, but why is she having chest pain?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Lawyer Joke

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
6,458 Posts
A man and his wife were sailing when the boat capsized. The man made it to shore, but his wife didn't. A week later, a police officer shows up at the man's door, and says, "We recovered your wife's body this morning. But we have some good news, and some great news!"

The man, a bit shocked, says "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up, she had six huge dungeoness crabs on her!"

The man, even more shocked now, exclaims, "Oh my god! Then what is the great news?"

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,631 Posts
NEWS FLASH

#1 did ya hear Michal Jackson was poisoned? .......

#2 did ya hear there is a new drug out on the market for depressed lesbians?..

pm me for punch lines:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
407 Posts
A man and his wife were sailing when the boat capsized. The man made it to shore, but his wife didn't. A week later, a police officer shows up at the man's door, and says, "We recovered your wife's body this morning. But we have some good news, and some great news!"

The man, a bit shocked, says "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up, she had six huge dungeoness crabs on her!"

The man, even more shocked now, exclaims, "Oh my god! Then what is the great news?"

"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
That's not right. Funny as heck, but not right
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it..

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
407 Posts
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Walter
__________________
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
A doctor from around the Seattle area, who took great pride in his flyfishing, hadn't yet been able to carve out any dates to get out into the mountains and get the flys wet. It seemed that every weekend he wanted to go, something came up; an important family function, a high profile surgey needed to be done, etc..

Finally he couldnt stand it anymore and cancelled a whole weekends events to make his fishing trip happen. He told his family he had to work, and he told his work he had to spend time with the family, and so on, until his weekend was all free for his trip.

As he drove to his favorite stream, deep in the Cascades, he glamoured about the perfect weather forcast, and how the fishing report promised to make a spectacular trip. He even said a little prayer to god asking for a real lunker, as this may be his only trip all season.

Well, an angel just happened to be listening to this prayer, and thought to himself, "This guy sure has some nerve, lying to all his family, freinds, and coworkers, then asking god for a good fishing trip". The angel turned and flew as fast as he could to heaven and told god what the prayer was...
God raised an eyebrow and in his way, said he would handle it.

The angel raced back to the stream where the fisherman was, gleefully waiting for the impending doom to the fishing trip.

On the first cast, the fisherman hooked a HUGE fish! This must be a trophy salmon, as the fish fought for a good two hours, before it was finally landed.

The angel, stunned at what he had seen, stormed off to god and said "Why did you let him catch that huge fish?"

God, thoughtfully smiled, and said "Whos he gonna tell?"
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
6,610 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL a$$' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,171 Posts
The ant and the Grasshopper

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Two Different Versions!
Two Different Morals!


OLD VERSION
: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself


MODERN VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the F R O G (sorry I had to space it out cause the dancing f r o g kept appearing LOL) appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green .'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome. ' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY
:

Be careful how you vote in 2010.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
106 Posts
So...Little Jonny is sitting in class when President Obama walks in. Obama starts talking to the kids about tragedy and he asks them if any of them know a case that would be considered a tragedy. Susie stands up and says, "I think a car crash sounds like a tragedy sir". Obama however looks at her and says, "No Susie, that is not a tragedy just an accident, does anyone else want to try?" Billy stands up and says, "I think it was like hurricane Katrina." Obama replies, "No Billy, that is a great loss but again not a tragedy." Little Jonny stands up and says, "I think a tragedy would be Marine One, with Obama in it, getting shot down by friendly fire." Obama looks at him for a moment and then asks, "Little Jonny why do you think this is a tragedy?"...Little Jonny replies, "Well sir, Marine One getting shot down by friendly fire is certainly not an accident or a great loss!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,171 Posts
So...Little Jonny is sitting in class when President Obama walks in. Obama starts talking to the kids about tragedy and he asks them if any of them know a case that would be considered a tragedy. Susie stands up and says, "I think a car crash sounds like a tragedy sir". Obama however looks at her and says, "No Susie, that is not a tragedy just an accident, does anyone else want to try?" Billy stands up and says, "I think it was like hurricane Katrina." Obama replies, "No Billy, that is a great loss but again not a tragedy." Little Jonny stands up and says, "I think a tragedy would be Marine One, with Obama in it, getting shot down by friendly fire." Obama looks at him for a moment and then asks, "Little Jonny why do you think this is a tragedy?"...Little Jonny replies, "Well sir, Marine One getting shot down by friendly fire is certainly not an accident or a great loss!"
BAH HA HA HA HA smart boy!!!

Jesse Jackson to boycott washing machines at Sears....

He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white.[/COLOR]



So the clerk called the store manager, who asked,


"What's the problem here, Reverend?"



Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact
that most of them were white.


The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the
washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids,
you'll see that all the agitators are black."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,432 Posts
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'


Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'


The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'


The clerk is astonished.


'Your wife's name is Crisco?'


The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're Out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.


'What do you call her at home?'


'Lard butt.'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,432 Posts
Little Johnny Strikes Again

he kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

:mrgreen:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,366 Posts
The fun police wants to remind everyone that this is a family website, so just keep that in mind when posting :)

And with that being said... check out "Drunkest Guy Ever Goes To get More Beer"

 
1 - 20 of 482 Posts
Top