Arizona Hunting Forums banner

441 - 460 of 482 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
430 Posts
Old, but still fits!


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington, D.C.
One is from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.

They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some
figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:

$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then

says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew

and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to

the White House official and whispers, "$2,700.00."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other

guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,

and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,140 Posts
Blond Irish Wife,
On a bitterly cold winter morning an Irish husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”. The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time”?
I didn’t see it coming either!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
300 Posts
I heard a couple jokes today, and so, I got to thinking...

I'll make this a Sticky Thread, and everyone can append their jokes to this one.

Remember, we have forum guidelines and we expect folks to live up to them. I think we all have our own definition of appropriate, and I personally don't mind jokes with a little edge, but please, keep it out of the gutter and watch the foul language.
24580


One of my companies was exhibiting at the annual Fiery Food Show in Fort Worth and on one side of our exhibit was a Texan dressed in black cowboy hat, jeans and boots…looked like he just belonged on a ranch. He told us Dallas had become too cosmopolitan for his tastes and Ft. Worth was heading that direction. On the other side of our booth is this guy from California wearing a huge white cowboy hat, red plaid shirt, bandana and designer jeans and looked like a missing member of the Village People.

So as the show is winding down the Texas exhibitor in the booth next to us asks us if we’d like to visit his ranch. I’m like “Sure!” cuz in my head I’m thinking I might wanna hunt there sometime and I need to make friends with this guy, he’s gotta ranch. Then he extends the same invitation to the California cowboy in the booth next to us. He says yes too. So right after the show closes at 5pm we head to this guy’s property. It’s summer and won’t get dark for hours.

When we arrive we learn his ranch-hand has already saddled up some horses for us. Not just any horses either but cutting horses (also called push button horses) and lemme tell ya, these suckers react to the slightest heel. Wished I was wearing a jockstrap and cup cuz my horse when from zero to Mach 4 in a nanosecond. Note to self, cutting horses cost hundreds of thousands of dollars and kicking em is like asking for G force.

Anyway we’re tooling around this immense property complete with rolling hill pastures, wide streams fed by the Trinity River, beautiful forested areas…just a real nice 9000+ acre ranch. We’re following a fence line when we hear a strange sound and just around the bend we discover a large sheep that’s managed to somehow get its head stuck in the fence gate. It’s baying up a storm, distressed, obviously tiring and appears to have been trapped there for some time.

So I thought nothing of it when the Texan gets down off his horse and walks over to the sheep but am awestruck when, instead of releasing it he drops his trousers and starts giving it to the sheep. “Mutton lovin’” he calls it. It was surreal. I’m sitting on this dang horse dumbstruck…just watching and not knowing what to do. I musta looked like an idiot…an idiot on a horse. Flashes of a Tijuana stage show are flashing through my head from when I thought getting drunk at 18 in TJ was a good idea.

So this guy finishes, pulls up his drawers, looks at us and asks, “Ya wanna give ‘er a go?”

What?! Did this guy just ask me if I was schtup his farm animal? Am I dreaming this?

Before I can even begin to imagine an appropriate response the California cowboy gleefully replies “Hell yeah!” Then he hops down off his horse, removes his big dumb white hat, walks over and sticks his head in the fence.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Savageman2506

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event. There was no shortage of young, extremely beautiful models in attendance… one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”
The young girl looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you’ve seen a lot of action.”
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young girl was tiring of trying to start up a conversation, but didn’t want to just leave the Sergeant Major who she found oddly attractive. She said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young girl said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”
Surprised, she said, “That long?! Well then, let me make your night better…” and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman stripped and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army veteran afterward and said, “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1955…”
The Sergeant Major looked at her confused and said, “Well I sure hope not. It’s only 2130 now!”


Green.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
430 Posts
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:


'Good trade'.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,473 Posts
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event. There was no shortage of young, extremely beautiful models in attendance… one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”
The young girl looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you’ve seen a lot of action.”
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young girl was tiring of trying to start up a conversation, but didn’t want to just leave the Sergeant Major who she found oddly attractive. She said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young girl said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”
Surprised, she said, “That long?! Well then, let me make your night better…” and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman stripped and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army veteran afterward and said, “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1955…”
The Sergeant Major looked at her confused and said, “Well I sure hope not. It’s only 2130 now!”


Green.
Now this is funny.
@Rich B - take note.
:LOL:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Albert, we won’t be long – easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again, in a controlled voice, is saying, “Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. “You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

Thanks, lady,” said Gramps, “But, I’m Albert – that little mongrel’s name is Carl and I’m going to drink a lot of whiskey when I get home.”


Green.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,432 Posts
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed-Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.

So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

” Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married‘!”



Green.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
197 Posts
Haven't forgotten this one since 7th grade... Changed the location for dramatic affect.

A newly married couple arrive late one night to check in to the Hannagan Meadow Lodge for their Honeymoon. The night deskman gives them their room key and sends them off to begin their Honeymoon.

Some hours later, to the night deskman’s surprise, he sees the husband coming through the lobby in full fishing gear at 4am.

The deskman asks, “Sir, this is an odd way to begin your Honeymoon? Shouldn’t you be consummating your marriage?”

The Groom responds laughing, “Unfortunately she has gonorrhea.”

The deskman timidly replies, “Well, with all due respect, there are other options… if she’s amenable?”

The Groom replies, “I see where you’re going, unfortunately those won’t work either. You see, she has diarrhea and pyorrhea!”

Shocked the deskman exclaims, “Jeez man, well why did you marry her then?”

The Groom responds, “Well, she’s got worms and I LOVE FISHING!”
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,550 Posts
Married man calls doctor and says, “Doc, my love life at home has gone down hill”.
Doctor: “ you need to run 10 miles a day and drop 25 pounds. “
2 weeks later the doctor calls his patient and asks how things have come along.
Married man: “well I ran 10 miles a day and lost 25 pounds”.
Doctor: “how is your love life at home”?
Married man: “how should I know, I am 140 miles away”!
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
6,458 Posts
Haven't forgotten this one since 7th grade... Changed the location for dramatic affect.

A newly married couple arrive late one night to check in to the Hannagan Meadow Lodge for their Honeymoon. The night deskman gives them their room key and sends them off to begin their Honeymoon.

Some hours later, to the night deskman’s surprise, he sees the husband coming through the lobby in full fishing gear at 4am.

The deskman asks, “Sir, this is an odd way to begin your Honeymoon? Shouldn’t you be consummating your marriage?”

The Groom responds laughing, “Unfortunately she has gonorrhea.”

The deskman timidly replies, “Well, with all due respect, there are other options… if she’s amenable?”

The Groom replies, “I see where you’re going, unfortunately those won’t work either. You see, she has diarrhea and pyorrhea!”

Shocked the deskman exclaims, “Jeez man, well why did you marry her then?”

The Groom responds, “Well, she’s got worms and I LOVE FISHING!”
Eeeewwwwww...

haha
 
441 - 460 of 482 Posts
Top