Arizona Hunting Forums banner

461 - 480 of 482 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
52 Posts
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him. The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse and then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sends him off into the sunset.

He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful blonde in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and yells

"You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
3,631 Posts
That reminded me of the old joke about the old cowboy who was dying and was asked his last request. He thought a moment and said that he wanted to be skinned and his hide made into a woman's saddle so that he could be between the two things he loved the most.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,550 Posts
That reminded me of the old joke about the old cowboy who was dying and was asked his last request. He thought a moment and said that he wanted to be skinned and his hide made into a woman's saddle so that he could be between the two things he loved the most.
My luck the woman would be Rosie O’Donnell and the horse would be a stubborn old mule.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
211 Posts
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men,
and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:
Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me she told him earnestly.
Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him:
How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.



Green.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with
a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I
pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
430 Posts
This is such a touching story.

The Last Kiss



Back on January 9th, a group of Peking, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge, so they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." it's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
3,631 Posts
QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this Officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
4. This Officer can be likened to a small puppy... he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12. When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.
15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
22. Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.
23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
28. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ.
31. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34. He has been working with glue too long.
35. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.
36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
37. If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
39. He donated his body to science before he had finished using it.
40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
41. He's so dense light bends around him.
42. If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.
43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
44. Takes him 1 hour to watch 60 minutes.
45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
3,631 Posts
Three lies that cowboys tell.
1. I won this here belt buckle at a rodeo
2. I paid cash for this pickup
3. Honest I was just helping the sheep over the fence.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
3,631 Posts
Why do Navy SEALS fall backward off of their boats. Because if they fell forward they would still be on the boat.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
3,631 Posts
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tell the cowboy "you know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see I have two brothers, One is an Airborne Ranger, the other a Navy SEAL, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn

One day, he comes in and only order two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and are silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round the bartender says "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss"

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment then light dawns in his eyes and he laughs

Oh, no, everybody's just fine" he explains. It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
Hasn't affected my brothers though"
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
3,631 Posts
And this one from one of my great uncles:
An Irishman is never drunk as long as there is a blade of grass to hold onto to keep him from falling off of the face of the earth!

And I had to edit after I thought about him. He was about 3/4 deaf and the family joke was that was because he was too close to too many IRA bombs going off, but I never was too sure it was really a joke.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Savageman2506

·
Registered
Joined
·
478 Posts
Oh this one could get me in trouble.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
478 Posts
The teacher in me love these kids.

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables..
__
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is....
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
__
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
__
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
6,610 Posts
Discussion Starter #477
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
One day a man decided to retire, so he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools? Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I red it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “You’ve built a Golf Course ?”



Green.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.

Green.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
A red neck gets married and on his wedding night finds his bride in the sexiest piece of lingerie he’s ever laid eyes on.

She looks at him and says “I want you to know that you’ll be my first and only man.”

The red neck quickly re-dresses and angrily grabs his wife and throws her in the truck and drops her off at her parents home.

A few minutes later his father calls and asks what’s the matter to which the red neck replied.

” If she ain’t good enough for her own family she ain’t good enough for mine!”

Green.
 
461 - 480 of 482 Posts
Top