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How it all began
The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that . . . . it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
 

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This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So, I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.
 

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It's A Texan Thing

October 3, 2019 ·
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
 

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Had to share

Best branch of the US Armed Forces?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated, the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck, as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?

Saint Peter replied, I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven.

Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer.? Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters shoulder. In the doves beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:

MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best

1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.

2. Each serves America well and with distinction.

3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.

Warm Regards,
GOD, USAF, Ret.
 

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Steve,

Since the AF is the junior of all services less the new space force and God has been around for eternity I find his service in the AF hard to believe.
 

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Steve,

Since the AF is the junior of all services less the new space force and God has been around for eternity I find his service in the AF hard to believe.
Actually, it is stated that he can command 10000 angels (and a lot more in reserve) to strike at anytime. All capable of flight and each single one has the power to devastate entire army’s. The original AF of biblical magnitude. Lol, but seriously though. Lol.
 

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Actually, it is stated that he can command 10000 angels (and a lot more in reserve) to strike at anytime. All capable of flight and each single one has the power to devastate entire army’s. The original AF of biblical magnitude. Lol, but seriously though. Lol.

You get it...LOL....Angles are the strike force....
 

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Date Line Florida

Recently a man was arrested for pouring ketchup over his girlfriend while she slept. This is not the first time he has h trouble with the law, in fact he is an ex-condiment.
 

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I have a couple of questions for you guys.

1. Should the Fiber One bar actually be number 2?

2. If I take a crap on a picture of Satan, am I damned if I do-do?

3. Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant?

4. Do poor white trash go to the movies just for the trailers?

5. If someone steals my identify and I kill them, am I committing suicide?
 

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Two elderly ladies are sitting on a bench waiting for the bus.
Some times passes while waiting. One says to the other,
"We've been on this bench so long, my butt went to sleep"

"Yeah" the other one said, "I heard it snoring"
 

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Our Prime Minister and his entourage flew to a remote Indian Reserve last week to meet with the Chief and Band Council. He said "I can give you 3 things ... what do you need?" The Chief said "We need clean drinking water". The PM got on his cell phone and started yelling and flailing his arms for about 5 minutes. He came back to the Chief and said "A crew of Engineers will be here next week. They'll solve the problem".

"What else?" The Chief said we have a nice new medical centre but we need Doctors and Nurses. The PM got back on his phone and went through the same yelling and arm waiving. He hung up and told the Chief "A team of medical professionals will be here next week".

"What is your last wish?" The Chief said ... "We need cell phone service".
 

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A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of the best whisky in the house.

The bartender asks why 6 shots?
The man replies "If you had what I've got, you'd drink them too!"

The bartender sets them up, the man slams them down and orders 6 more.
The bartender pours 6 more.
The man downs them as fast as the first 6.

The bartender says "You should really slow down and enjoy this whisky. It's very good!"

The man replies "If you had what I've got, you'd drink 'em fast too!"

The bartender says "I hate to ask, but what exactly is it that you have?"

The man replies "3 dollars."
 

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A older gentleman in the Mall stops to talk to a good looking woman.
He says " I've looked everywhere and cant find my wife. Would you mind talking to me for a few minutes?"
The woman says " I don't mind, but why do you want to talk to me?"
He says "Because every time I start to talk to a beautiful woman my wife seems to appear out of thin air"
 

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She's single & hot.

She lives right across the street.

I happened to be outside as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway to talk to me.

She looks me in the eyes without saying a word. Finally she says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!"

I gulped.

She continued, "Are you busy tonight? ”

I quickly replied, "Nope, I’m free, I have no plans at all! ”

She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog? ”


Being a senior citizen, really sucks.
 

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A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 p.m. after a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f'king mess and the dishes are still in the sink, I'm completely exhausted.

I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f'king pajamas?! I can't be bothered cooking tonight!

Why the F did you bring him home without checking with me beforehand you a'hole?! "




Guy says..... "Because he's thinking of getting married."
 

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher.
 

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
 

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